G8 summit: Swiss alps, Disneyland tour also options...

Next G8: Star Cruise

The summit will also include paragliding, water sports, bungee lessons

With passing time, experts now concur that French premier, and (hyper)active G8 member Nicholas Sarkozy has started looking – and behaving – eerily similar to Sylvester Stallone [Go ahead, give it a try; identify sweet Nick in the photograph]. Funnily, this behavioural similarity extends to the whole G8 belt [US, Japan, Germany, France, UK, Canada, Italy, Russia and Ethiopia... er, alright, if you caught us on this, read on, you seem to be interested], with almost every member contributing his Shylockian best to behaving like a spoilt celebrity during every summit, finally achieving nothing. So we did what we do best [no no, not that; Bush does that better] – we analysed the progress report of the past few summits to decipher what exactly has been achieved in terms of contribution to least developed nations!

G8 summit in Birmingham, England, 1998: Protesters for the first time were formally allowed to give a written letter, which requested G8 to work on the heavy debt burden of the third world. Letter accepted, case dismissed! Nothing much was discussed, leave of course the letter.

Cologne, Germany, 1999: To prove that they were worried about poverty, an ‘officially’ undisclosed amount was sanctioned. According to World Bank, the ‘sanction’ was so small that it wasn’t enough to even provide five bread loaves per person per year per poor country.

Okinawa, Japan, 2000: Aid amount invested in projects: Close to nil; evidently because of billions spent on militarisation of north-east Asia.

Genoa, Italy, 2001: Progress on debt cancellation: Nil! Massive protests took the blame, rather than the G8 members.

Kananaskis, Canada, 2002: Among many important issues, NEPAD [New Partnership for Africa’s Development] was also on agenda. $64 billion was requested, but only $6 billion was sanctioned. The reason? Russia requested – and was presumably given – $20 billion for the upkeep of the Russian nuclear stockpiles.

Evian, France, 2003: “Iraq has WMDs! And everybody better contribute to kill that damn nuke-bomber Saddam!” We told you, Bush churns out gas better!

Georgia, USA, 2004: Main agenda: Extending the controversial Heavily In-debt Poor Countries [HIPC] initiative for debt-relief and to vaccines development. Achieved: Magnanimous relief to Iraq’s $120 billion debt on US insistence.

Gleneagles, Scotland, 2005: This summit, like all years before, was again aimed to provide $50 billion debt-relief to Africa [Nothing new! Nothing achieved!].

Saint Petersburg, Russia, 2006: For the first time in recent history, the G8 leaders proactively agreed on energy security, fighting diseases and encouraging education. Oh yes, it didn’t at all mention them providing any financial assistance!

Heiligendamm, Germany, 2007: Top agenda: Africa! Promises made in 2005 [in Scotland] of $50 billion aid to Africa: More or less overlooked!

Creditably, developed nations in all have donated around $2.5 trillion since 1960 to LDCs. However, official estimates confirm that even this falls short of the required – and so called ‘promised’ – aid amount by a mammoth $3.5 trillion. As per the World Bank, it will cost developed countries just 2.8 cents per person per week to meet the promise. But we believe the first world still hasn’t understood the cheapness of life’s existence for the poor.

Having said that, we have a strategy for poor beleaguered Nick. We suggest that instead of being uselessly exposed to global criticism year after year, the G8 should officially confirm that leaders would meet simply to have a good time. After that, hand over the event management to our team [please, we insist]! Disneyland, Star Cruise, bungee lessons, paragliding, you name it guys, we’ll have that for you. And what about least developed countries? Goddamn those Africans...

Israel-Russia war of words: spawns generations...literally

A piece on Israeli grandmothers!

And on why mothers and grandmothers of this great nation play a critical role in the Israeli-Russia spar

Since August 28, 2008, almost all western media in some or the other form, are criticising Russia’s decision of recognising the independence of Abkhazia and South Ossetia [once considered part of Georgian influence] by considering it Russian-occupied territories. Not only have both Fortune and Economist featured Russia’s growing influence on their cover stories in the last few weeks, even global leaders have suddenly started recognising that Russia still exists. In sarcastic criticism, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice expectably showed her support to Georgia and warned Russia, “In contrast to Georgia’s position, Russia’s international standing is worse now than at any time since 1991...” How interesting dear Ms.Rice that you use that year as an example, for we believe that for the first time since 1991, Russia is finally regaining its rightful position on the world platform. And please Ms.Rice, neither you nor your favourite ‘Kiss Army’, of whom you are a self-confessed die-hard fan, are even an iota interested in what happens in Georgia, are you ma’am?

But what we wish to impetuously implicate out here, and what has been missed out by a majority of media in the process has been the emergence of a strange spar between Israel and Russia over the Georgian war! Analysts and experts in both Israel and Russia are bombarding each other with anti-Russian and anti-Israel statements respectively. Even in the media, while on one hand, Israeli press is accusing Russia of increasing its arm trade with the Middle East, on the other hand, the Russian media is leaving no stone unturned to prove the presence of arms and Israeli training hubs in Georgian land. And now, gravely serious political leaders allege that Russia’s nuclear fuel supply to Iran’s Bushehr nuclear plant  is an initiative against Israel and Georgia. The question is, why is Israel suddenly getting into the benign act of protecting Georgia?

Is it religious proximity? That doesn’t seem to be the case as Georgia is a certified orthodox Christian state compared to the predominantly Jewish Israel. While one can easily trace deep relations between Israel and Georgia – be their arms trade or the presence of Georgian Jews in Israel – what slips under the carpet magnanimously is the fact that important political leaders of Israel and Georgia are actually blood relatives. For information, the chairman of the Georgian parliament’s Foreign Relations Committee Lasha Zhvania has an Israeli Jewish mother. God rest her soul, the grandmother of scam-fam Israeli Ariel Sharon is buried in Georgia. The ubiquitously sweet Georgian defence minister Davit Kezerashvili, holds the citizenship of, god rest our souls, Israel!!!

Strangely, despite its Pravda-driven spiel [Pravda skims close to being certified a lunatic bandwagon, with the past month’s chief story, for example, being Condoleezza Rice’s Sexual Worries], the Russian political powerhouse actually is still a big supporter of Israel. It’s not just about the recent acceptance of a visa free regime between Israel and Russia, even Russia’s nuclear fuel supply to Iran’s Bushehr nuclear plant – despite US rhetoric – is in fact an extremely clever move to dissuade Teheran from enriching its own fuel.

But as they say, there’s only this much that Putin can take, and there’s only that much that Israel can flirt with. Till the time Israel looks beyond US influence – and dare we say, even their mothers and grandmothers – and realises that Russia is actually on their side, this great nation might actually end up in creating their biggest foe in history! For hell hath no fury as Putin scorned, and it doesn’t require Einstein to know that!